Excerpts from Before

“If you don’t ever reflect, you just stay an idiot” – Jenna Marbles (YouTube comedian)

dandylion.jpg
image: superwall

19th August 2015

18:30

It’s times like this, when even though my blood is crying as it pumps reluctantly through my veins, I feel perfect. The universe is staring down at me, the cold breeze is belly-dancing at my window, trying to lure me outside. The soft, busy hum of my computer’s engine somehow complements the pin board above me which is decorated with colourful, sporadic notes; a microcosmic world of inspiration. Sitting atop years’ worth of imagination and fear in my journals, the blank white screen of my laptop beckons me closer.

It is 6:34pm. The sun has just fallen.

Now I am ready to live.

_____

12th September 2015

18:20

diary
image source: favim

Honestly, I’m feeling a lot better. It’s not because anything has been resolved or spoken about, but there’s an odd acceptance exuding about me, the acceptance that there’s nothing I could physically do to change any of it. Except write about it, of course. So here I am.

***

When we got to my car, he went to open the passenger seat door. I quickly pushed in front of him, mumbling that I had to move something. “Your journal”, he said. I don’t think it was a question. I think what he said next wasΒ don’t worry, I’m not going to snatch it or read it.

“Yeah, I know”, I whispered. “I’m just going to move it”. He knows that I write and he knows that sometimes it’s about him. Why am I shaking?

***

If we assume Adam Smith’s invisible hand theory to be fate, and institutional intervention to be decisions, suddenly we have a whole new way of looking at why things are the way they are, and maybe even a way of modifying them. The economic battle between efficiency and equity becomes the struggle of head and heart, and suddenly my journal becomes revolutionary (for me).

_____

30th August 2016

10:58pm

Me: hey are you busy?

Her: yes x

That’s our friendship in a nutshell. Paper is easier to communicate with than people.

_____

starts.jpg
image source: Tumblr

14 December 2016

Coldplay concert

I liked watching the lights on everybody’s armbands from the opposite side of the stadium. If I focused carefully enough I could drown out the noise and movement and imagine it was just me, sitting on stony, cold pavement, admiring a brick wall decorated with Christmas lights. Strangely enough, this illusion made me feel much less alone. The only alternative was reality; a voluptuous musical performance which all my friends were consumed by, whilst I sat tapping poetry of pain on my phone before my head exploded. In a stadium dancing with laser beams of triumphant orange and sensual violent, I have never felt more green.

_____

19th August 2017

17:40

That’s enough for tonight.

I’m glad I write.

-Claire

 

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